I Love You
by logie-girl
Summary: Love. A strong emotion that can make you do anything for it. my first fanfic! Review please!


Hey, this is my first fanfic. I'm sorry for the grammar mistakes. English is not my born language, so yeah...

Disclaimer : I own nothing

**I Love You**

I heard the door being slamed behind me. I just keep walking to my room, well, my shared room. I open the door and walked in. I'm going to slam the door but something caught the door. I walk fast to my bed but he caught my arm.

"James," He said in low voice

I yanked my hand from his grip and turn around and faced him. I can see anger in his face.

"What?" I growled

"Please understand why I agreed with this and stop being a child!" He said in angry and desperate voice.

"A child you said? You've got to be kidding me!"

"This is for the band, James! Your dream!"

"I don't care ,ok! The thing I just care is that my boyfriend going to a date with somecrazy famous chick!" I screamed.

"James..." He says in softer voice.

"Just..," I started, "I don't care, ok? Just leave me alone for now," I said in small voice and turn around from him, going to my bed.

I heard him sighed and footsteps before the door being shut.

I layed down on my bed. I sighed. I do feel acting like a child right now. But what can I do? I angry and jealous. My boyfriend going to a date because Gustavo pushed him into one for the sake of the band. He said public don't need a boyband that have 2 gay guys who date each other.

I burried my face on my pillow and growled. I hate this! I know this boyband is my dream but i don't wanna hide my relationship. I just wanna tell the world that Logie is mine and not that crazy chick! And I hate fighting with Logan. I don't like see him mad, especially at me. And next week is our first anniversary for god sake!

We started fighting when reharsal was over this afternoon and Gustavo told us that he set up a date for Logan, MY BOYFRIEND,this Saturday night so public don't get suspicious about us.

I know this wasn't logan fault, by I mad at him when he agreed with that plan like it was nothing. I know he done it for us, for the band, but I still feel betrayed.

I groaned. I just need some sleep so I can think clearly. I think I just gonna skip dinner and just go to sleep right now. So I changed my clothes to pj's pants and a plain thin t-shirt then cover myself with my blanket and close my eyes.

...

I groaned when I feel some lights come from the window. I bet Carlos opened the curtain when he wake up. That happy-go-lucky boy always wake up early on weekend to watch his favorite morning cartoon with Katie.

I glanced to the clock on my bed side table. 9.38 am. I don't know if I should get up or not. I feel really comfortable and I still don't know what to say to my Logie.

I heard foosteps and I decide that I'm not ready for any drama, so I quickly curled up to my side and pretend to sleep with my back to the door. I heard the door creack open.

"James?"

I keep silent and steady my breathing to keep my facade. I heard him get closer and felt my bed dip behind me. I heard him sighed. Of course he know that I was awake and just faking it. He's my boyfriend, duh. But I don't care. I'm still not in my best mood.

"I'm sorry James," he said, and I almost open my eyes from shock. Why he apologized to me? I'm the one who was acting like a child.

"I know you against this fake dating idea. I do too," He sighed. "But I did this for you. I don't wanna ruin your dream. I'm not worth that James. Your dream is more important than me, a math nerd...who don't deserved you." He added that in small voice.

I was gonna open my eyes and dennied him when I felt his lips on the side of my head.

"But I love you James. I love you so much. So I gonna do whatever that make you happy," he murmured.

He pulled away then kiss my ear and whispered, " I love you." And then he walked away.

I heard the door shut softly. I felt my heart broken. What he just said? Did he feel that way all along? After 7 months dating in the closet and almost 5 months come out to our families and friends? He think he don't deserved me? How's that possible! I'm the one who doesn't deserve such a amazing, gentle, caring and selfless soul like him.

I'm gonna talk to him. I get up and decide I needed a shower first while thinking what the best way to tell him that he's my everything. I walked to the bathroom that connected to my shared room with Carlos.

...

I walked downstair and saw Kendall and Carlos on the orange couch playing race. I glanced around the room and no sign of Logan.

"Hey guys, have you seen Logan?" I asked them.

"Yeah, he's out and take BTR car," Kendall said without taking his eyes off the screen.

"You guys make up already? Cause he's got all smiley back then." Carlos said.

"Yes..No..Kinda...well, I'm just gonna said I'm sorry to him when he get back and everything ok," I said smiling. "You guys know where he going to?"

"Well," Kendall smirked,"I think he going to flowershop. Doing your tradition to give each other some roses everytime you guys fight." He laughed and Carlos joined in, saying something like sappy couple. I just blush and sit next to them. I glanced to the clock, 10.03. I can't wait till he get back.

...

It's already 3 pm and Logan not home yet. I kinda have uneasy feeling because he's not answering his phone. I try to shook it off. Maybe he's just pass a book store or library and got caught up. Yeah, must be like that.

I try to distract myself by playing race against Kendall. I can hear Mrs. Knight keep shusing Katie and Carlos from kitchen (She's making a cake and not allowed we eat that before dinner). I heard my phone ringing and quickly answered it, not bothering to look who was calling, hoping it was Logan.

"Hello?" I said quickly.

" Good afternoon. Am I speaking to Mr. Diamond? Mr. Mitchel friend?" I heard woman with polite and slightly sad voice said.

"Yes, that's me. What's going on? Who are you?" I asked breathlessly. My hear beating so fast and I can feel my hand getting sweaty. Kendall already paused the game and looking at me, worry written on his face.

"I'm Leslie from LA Center Hospital. I'm really sorry sir, but I'm afraid that Mr. Mitchel got in some terrible accident and couldn't make it." She said with sad voice.

I don't know what happen next. I heard something fall to the floor and realize that was my phone.

"James? What happen?" Kendall asked, voice full of concern. I just stared ahead and keep still. He picked up my phone from the floor and answered it. I heard he gasped rather loudly and saw from the corner of my eyes that Mrs. Knight, Carlos and Katie come torward us.

"Kendall? Honey? What happen?" Mrs. Knight asked then gasped. "Why you crying? Who you talking to?"

Everyone gathered around me and Kendall on the orange couch. Kendall said his last ok to the phone before closing it, his eyes wet.

He looked down and say,"That call from LA C-Center Hosital...Logan..."He sobs,"He g-got into accident...The truck had a b-broken brake..and hit him..and.."He sobs again,"A- And... He's n-not make it.." Now he covered his face and loud sobs echoed the room.

Everyone is crying. Mrs Knight hugs Katie, both of them sobbing. Carlos face seem shocked and tears fall freely from his eyes. And me, I just have a blank face and no tears on my eyes.

After some moment, Mrs. Knight have a hold on herself and day, "Let's go to the hospital."

The ride to the hospital was full of sobs but nobody say a word. Mrs. Knight tried to be strong for us. And I can see Kendall hugs the sobbing katie whilehe himself have tears falling from his eyes and he text someone, maybe Kelly. Carlos who sit beside him has his face down and his body trembled. I on the other hand, have no tears in my eyes. I see my face on the rear mirror. My face look so pale and emotionless. Well, how can I feel something when my heart is gone?We parked and step inside the hospital.

"Logan Mitchel?" Mrs. Knight asked the nurse behind the counter.

"Ah...," She said in sad voice, her face show sympathy."Please follow me," she started wlking torwards the hallway. I don't know how, but suddenly we already in front of a door. The nurse turn around and face us.

"He's in your time. I'll be waiting outside. And I'm so sorry about your loss," She said with sympathy and walk to the end of the hallway to give us some space.

Mrs. Knight take a deep breaths and open the door. We walk inside slowly.

There he is. On the bed. Covered by white blanket. I don't know what give me the strenght to take a few steps closer and slowly open the blanket.

And I see him. I see Logan. He's looking like sleeping. But his face is too pale, paler than usual with some bruises. His face covered with small cuts and big cut on the side of his head. His eyes closed and his face look so peacefull. His lids covered his beautiful warm chocolate eyes that I love so much.

Mrs. Knight, Kendall, Carlos and Katie gathered around the bed. They looking a him with teary eyes. Katie then buried her face to her mother and started sobbing. Carlos stare at Logan peacefull face and start sobbing. Mrs. Knight watch Logan face with so much sorrow written on her face. I hear Kendall sobbing from his position beside me.

I feel so empty, no emotion inside me. I don't know why I don't cry like the others. I just stared down at him. I take his hand and held it. It feel so cold. And then it hit me that he never able to hug me again. Kiss me, cuddle with me, tell me that he love me again...

I fell on my knees when I realized that the last memory he has about me is when we're fighting the day before. I'm not able to say that I'm sorry, to say that he's my everything and I'm the one who not deserved him not the other way, to say that I love him so much. I tightening my grip to his cold hand.

I heard talking near the door and realize that Gustavo and Kelly already here. They talking to the nurse. The nurse told them something about no serious external damage, just few cuts, but the hit cause major damage to his heart that make it leak. Kelly's on tears and Gustavo looks pale and shocked.

"What's this?" Kendall asked in raw voice. He pick something from logan messy brown hair. It's red.

"Oh. Maybe that's rose petals. He covered by blood and rose petals when he was brought in but we already cleaned him. I think we accidentally left that." The nurse explain from her position near Kelly by the door.

"Rose...petals?" I whispered. Our tradition. Fighting. Roses. I hold his hand incredibelly thight now and look up at his face. My face is blank. I don't have any emotion left. My heart already gone along with him.

I keep staring at his face when I heard mumbling. Who's that? What that sound says? But I don't care and keep staring at my beautiful lover face and the mumbles keep going. I feel Kendall, then Mrs. Knight, then everybody in the room staring at me with sad and teary eyes. That's when I realize that the mumbles coming from me. I realize that I says "I love you Logan" over and over again.

A moment later, I get up, still holding his hand, staring at his face then kiss him on the lips. It's feel so cold that I feel dizzy. I pulled away, looking at his face again before everything went black.

...

Days go on after I woke up in my room after I passed out in Logan's hospital room. I don't cry, barely eat and don't talk. I don't look like my self anymore. I'm slightly paler, my hair is a mess, and I don't care how I smell and what I wear. But today, I carefully comb my hair and straigthen my suit. Today is Logan's Funeral.

I come out to the living room. Everybody look sad and they look at me worriedly. They always look at me like that this past 6 days. I think I looked like zombie to them. I'm not showing emotions anymore because that what I feel. Empty. Numb.

"Let's go," Mrs. Knight say softly while opening the apartement door. Katie, Carlos, Kendall and me follow after her slowly.

When we arrived, some people already there. My parents, Carlos's Parents, Kendall's dad and Logan's parents standing in front of the room, near the casket. They came to LA as soon as they can when they get the news and stay at nearby hotel to palmwoods. Our dads crying silently while my mom and carlos's mom comforting Logan's mom who crying loudly. Mrs. Knight hurriedly go the sobbing mothers. Seeing Mrs. Knight, our mother hug her and they all cry together.

Then our fathers come to us and hugging us. Katie and Kendall and carlos hug and cry on their dad shoulders while I being hug by two dads. Mine and Logan's.

"Thank you for everything you did to my son, James. For loving him," Mr. Mitchell say softly in my ear and let go of me. I just nodded.

"Be strong, son," my dad whisper to me and let go of me too."Go see him."

I don't know if I should see him. I don't think I strong enough. But I do want to see him. I nodded to my dad and slowly make my way to the casket.

Nobody standing near the casket. Our mom already sit on the front seats and hugging each other. I walked slowly and finally I reached my destination. I see him. Look so beautiful and paecefull. His hand folded on his chest. Holding one single of rose. Red rose, our favorite flower. I slowly move my trembling hand. I touch his cold hand, his soft and cold lips, his cheeks, and his eyelids and his beautiful brown locks. I rest my hand on his cheek. My hand shaking. I look at him and hope he will open his eyes and look at me with his beautiful brown eyes and smile his famous half-croocked smile at me. But I know that would never happen. He's already gone. Away from me. I feel it hard to breathe and I clutched my chest with my free hand. I gaping for air while looking at his beautiful face. Suddenly, strong arms pulling me away from Logan.

"Calm down James. Breathe," I heard Kendall say softly while leading me away from Logan.

"No..No..Let go-o of m-me! Log-a-an! Logi-e!" I said a little breathlessly and try to get off him and get to logan's side again.

"No James. You need to calm down first, get your breathing normal," Kendall voice shake a little bit

"B-but...Logan-an ne-needs me-e..!"I said, gaping for air.

"Ssh...Breathe James,"He sniff at the end. Now we finally outside and Kendall lay me down in one of the bench in front of the church. He kneeled beside me and pet my head. Slowly, my breathing become normal.

"I don't know if I should relief or worry right now James. This is the first time you talk after Logan...died.." Kendall say that softly and his voice shaking. I look at him. His eyes red and puffy and his face look pained and wet because all the tears.

"Please James... Don't fade away like this. I already lost one of my bestfriend. I don't want to lose another one,"He said sadly. I look away from him. Not want to say anything.

"Kendall!" A voice called and we both turn to the person. That person running torward us.

"Jo..." Kendall hurriedly catched her to his arms.

"I come here as soon as I can from new zealand...Logan...He.. He's really gone?" Jo asked/sobs.

"Yeah Jo..."Kendall answered softly.

"Oh God... I prayed a-all the w-way here...hoping this is just so-some cruel joke..."Jo start sobbing in Kendall chest.

"I want to see him.." Jo stated softly. Kendall nodded and turned to face me.

"Come inside when you feel better James. Take time to calm down first thought,"Kendall said softly yet sternly. Jo turn to me and looked at me sadly. She come near me and kiss my cheek.

"I'm so sorry James,"

She backed away and back to Kendall's arm and they headed inside. I sit up slowly and put my head on my hand. I feel so insecure, weak and vulnarable right now. Logan usually hug me and humming softly in my ear when I in this state.

"James?"

I looked up to see Kelly looked at me worriedly and Gustavo standing beside her.

"Are tou okay? Why're you sit outside alone? Are we late?" Kelly rambled.

"Come down Kelly," Gustavo scoffed at her.

"You okay kid?"Gustavo asked me softly. I'm suprised. He talked to me. Not yell like usual. And not called me dog like always.I think he noticed this and scoffed.

"Hey, I'm not that heartless you know. I like you guys. And I care about you. Especially Logan. He's my favorite, really. And I still can't believed that that morning was the last time I can't see him."He said sadly.

That caught my attention. The last time we met Gustavo was when he told Logan to go on a date. And that was afternoon, not morning.

"Morning?" I asked him.

"Yeah... He came to Rouqe Records before he got to that accident..," Gustavo looks like he want to say some more but don't know he should or not. I looked at Kelly and she looked at me sadly.

"He came to us to cancel the date,"She said sadly,"He said you guys fight about it,"

"What happened?"I asked them. Gustavo sigh.

==Flashback==

"Please Gustavo...! Puh-leaseeee..." Logan whine.

"No dog. I say you go, so you go." Gustavo said sternly.

"Why you want to cancel this date Logan? You agreed yesterday." Kelly reminded him.

Logan sigh."I know I agreed. I know this good for the band and cover me and James up. But James get real mad at me. He doesn't like the Idea of me go on date with some random chicks."

"But this is FAKE!" Gustavo yelled.

"I know, Gustavo. But James doesn't like it, so I don't wanna do it." Logan stated.

"Logan. This just one time thing. After the date, you don't need to go for another couple of weeks. Sooo, James just mad at you this very short amount of time and get over it quickly."Kelly explained.

Logan looked down and say,"I know. But I still don't like him being mad at me. I'm so lucky to have him. I don't want him to get mad at me and realize this geeky ugly fat-ass boy don't deserve him and then break up with me..." he said softly, still looking at the floor.

Kelly hurriedly walk to distressed boy side and hug him."Logan, you not geeky or ugly or fat-ass like you said. You such a handsome, kind and smart young man. And James will never break up with you. He love you as much as you love him," Kelly let go of Logan and smile at him which Logan return with soft smile.

"So...," Logan turn to Gustavo who watch the whole scene quietly,"Please Gustavo? It's okay as long as pers not suspicious right? I promise I will behave. And I will pay for this loss date with extra hours in harmony and dance all wee..month! Please Gustavo?" Logan put his puppy dog eyes.

Gustavo (and Kelly sometimes) can resist the other dog puppy eyes from the dogs easily, of course. Because they always do that whenever they want something. But not Logan. Gustavo never see the boy's puppy dog eyes before. And the fact that Logan is Gustavo favorite dog (because he's the most responsible and all) is not helping at all.

"So... This is why you washed my car, help Kelly sorted her files and done the other job in studio for the last few hours?"

Logan grin sheepisly and nodded. Gustavo sighed.

"Okay..Fine..But just this one time"

Logan face lit up and he beamed."Thank you! Thank You! Thank You!" He run to gustavo and hug him. Gustavo double-take at Logan hug Kelly too, who smile softly at the boy behavior.

"Okay! Now I gotta go buy some roses and get my man!" Logan stated happily and smile his famous crocked smile to Gustavo and Kelly before run out of the room.

==End Flashback==

James sobbing furiously. Tears fall freely from his eyes. He doesn't know what cause this. Maybe the fact that Logan thinking about him at his very last moment. Or maybe this just the time his wall broken and pouring out what he feel inside.

"James.."Kelly said sadly and worriedly, sit beside me and patting my back.

"I...I-I need to see him," I stated before running off and go inside.

I see from my blurry vision that our dad start to close the casket, prepare to bring him outside and burry him.

"NO!"I run to him, still crying,"NO! NO! Get away from him! Don't you dare take Logan away from me!" I nearly reached the casket before two pairs of strong arms caught me.

"James...He's gone James...Please don't do this.." Carlos sobs while dragging me away.

"LET ME GO! LOGAN! I'M SORRY HONEY! I LOVE YOU LOGAN! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! PLEASE DON'T GO!Please...! Please..." I sobbing furiously now. I Struggle in Kendall and Carlos grip who dragging me away from Logie. I want to run to My Logie! I want to hug him and tell him I'm sorry and I love him!

People looking at me sadly. Little did I know I just stated my love for Logan, but I don't care. And from what I heard, people already know about that. Maybe someone from the hospital tell the media or something, I don't care. All I care right now is Logan.I keep struggling in my best friends arms as I watch as our dad bring his casket outside to put him 6 feet under the ground.

"LET ME GO! LET GO! LOGAN! LOGIE! Come back... Logie..Please..please..."

People start to go outside to see logan get burried, the room get empty. But I still standing in the middle of the room, sobbing, in my best friends arm. I keep strugling weakly. I want to go to Logan. My love. My soulmate. My everything.

"Logan...Wait for me...D-don't go...p-pleasee..." I sobs and fell on my knees.

Then I being pulled to 4-3 ways hug. This just make me cry harder. We missing one person in this little group hug. The most important person to me.

Carlos and Kendall crying become more loud too. We clinging to each other. Hoping the missing piece of our group still here with us.

"I...I want to see him," I don't know how much time have passed when I finally said that.

They nodded and we slowly get up from our position and made our way outside.

...

I sit on the orange couch. Staring at the picture in my hands. The picture of us, Logan and I, on our first date. We both smiling widely. I was hugging logan from behind and he blush slightly. My fingers tracing at his face slowly. His crocked smile, his rosy cheeks, his brown eyes that shine with joy, happiness and love...

I turned my head to the door when I heard knocking. I glanced at the clock. 6.28 a.m. My eyes widen. Did I really sit out here that long? I remember come out of my room as soon as Carlos's soft sobbing turn into soft snorring and that happened at like 3 a.m. I thought.

I heard knocking again, so I put down the picture, stand up and wipe my eyes. I walk to the door and opened it.

"Hi. I'm from Flower Palace. There is a delivery for Mr. James Diamond," the man said smiling.

"Oh.. That's me," I said as I signed the paper he gave me.

"Sorry for bothering in such an early hour. But this is the costumer request. Here, have a good day," he gave me big bouqet of roses and go. I shut the door and stared at the roses in my hand.

'Who gave me this?' I thought.

I make my way to the couch and sit down. I stare at the beautiful roses. Red roses. I can feel my eyes started to burn again and I blinked rapidly. I notied an envelope. I put down the roses beside me and picked the envelope. I opened and gasped as I read who wrote that. Logan.

I stared at the letter wide eyes. How this is possible? Am I dreaming or something? I slaped my face hard, it hurts, but the letter still in my hand. I gulped and start reading.

_Hi baby. I know. You must be surprised. Maybe I still asleep on the bed or maybe cuddle up with you right now as you read this. I just wanna say Happy Anniversary my love._

I gasped when I remembered today's date. Yes. Today is my first anniversary with Logan...

_I want to spend all day with you, but I want to give you something special too. So, I decided to just order this. I bought this flower the day we fight. Oh God. I hope we already made up today. I know we do. Or at least I'll try to made it up to you so we will be happy couple today._

_So, James...I wrote this because I wanna say that I really gratefull. I really am lucky to have someone like you by my side.I still don't know why someone so gergeous, so amazing and so perfect like you choose me as your lover. Someone so nerd,geeky and...average like me._

_And thank you for that. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for letting me love for that, I promise I'll always be by your side as long as you want me to. And I promise I'll always love you, James. No matter what happen. Even if you not love me anymore, I'll always love you and srand by your side as your friend._

_Because you have my heart._

_Love,_

_Logan _

My body shaking with furious sobs. Tears flow freely down my face. I clutching the letter and the flowers to my chest. I felt my heart broken into pieces. I can't take this. This is too much. I need my logie here. I need him by my side.

I stand up abruptly. I made my decision. I walk to the kitchen, bringing the flower and the letter. I quickly scrible down my note and put it on the counter. I snacthed the knife and made my way to the bathroom.

I sat on the bathroom floor. I put down the letter and flowers beside me. I watched the knife in my hand. I smiled and slowly, started to make lines on my arms. I put down the knifes and picked theflowers an the letter with my blody hands. I leaned against the wall.

I picked one rose and started to pick the petals, waiting for the darkness to claim me. Blood trickle down my hands, making a pool of blood on the floor. I love how my arms have some color as the petals. Crimson. I started to feel tired. I smiled and closed my eyes. I'll meet Logan soon.

"Wait for me, Logan... I love you.." I whispered.

...

"JAMES!"

I woke up with a jump and quickly ran out of my room. I quickly ran down the hall.

"What's going on? Carlos? Why're you screaming?"

"K...Ke..Kendall..," Carlos turned around to face me from his position on the bathroom door, tears streaming down his face. I gasped.

There he is. Unmoving on the bathroom floor. Eyes closed and soft smile on his pale face. Rose petals and blood surounding him. Few roses sprawled on his lap and not far from his side is a knife. Bloody knife. I saw his hand clutching something white. A paper?

I turned around when I heard someone gasped. My mom stared at James and quickly covering Katie eyes. My mom mouthing 'Oh God' and tears falling from her eyes. I heard sobs coming from Carlos and Katie. I tried to be strong despite the tears that falling of my eyes. I quickly led my family and my best friend away from the sight.

Then I notice something on the counter. A note. I quickly grab and read it.

_Sorry, everyone. But I don't want Logan to get lonely in our first anniversary. Goodbye. I love you all._

_-James_

I know. It's sucks. But review please?


End file.
